Introduction: Discovering My Strength in Vulnerability
I have always been the happy-go-lucky girl, quick with a joke or a cheerful tune. As someone who avoided drama and emotional outbursts, I found joy in making others laugh, especially those facing sadness or struggle. My philosophy was simple: things will get better tomorrow, so let's stay positive today. That is...until anxiety burst into my life.
The Onset of My Trauma: A Turning Point
Everything changed in March 2009. After going to bed in tremendous pain, I didn't wake up for 24 hours. When I finally opened my eyes, I was completely paralyzed. Although I could move my arms, they felt heavy and disconnected. From the chest down, there was no sensation or movement. At five months pregnant, my fear for my unborn child overshadowed the shock of my condition. All medical decisions became centered around his safety.
Despite the paralysis, my doctors were optimistic about a normal delivery. However, an emergency C-section was required when complications arose. A hematoma blew out my c-section incision leaving me with a gaping deep hole in my body that required 3 long, grueling months of wound care. The surgery, under the influence of powerful anesthesia (medicinal LSD), led to severe hallucinations that left me feeling suffocated and trapped—a traumatic experience that marked the beginning of my journey with anxiety.
Battling Anxiety Post-Trauma: Recognizing and Facing My Fears
My first panic attack struck unexpectedly. The intense fear and confusion were overwhelming, and the months that followed were filled with similar episodes. I was at a loss until we considered the possibility of panic attacks. Researching the symptoms online, we found that I exhibited most of them, which was both a relief and a new challenge.
Determined to find non-medicinal ways to manage my anxiety, because of my already fragile health, I embarked on a quest for natural remedies. However, the complexity of various techniques often made them impractical in moments of panic.
Developing Practical Strategies: A Step-by-Step Approach to Managing Anxiety
After identifying the likelihood of panic attacks, I focused on developing practical strategies that could be implemented even during intense episodes of anxiety. Here’s the step-by-step approach that helped me regain control:
1. Reprogramming My Brain:
Realizing the importance of addressing both emotional overload and medication side effects, I started a simple yet powerful mental exercise. Whenever I felt a wave of terror, I would repeatedly tell myself, "Alicia, calm down. You are absolutely fine." Initially, it seemed ineffective, but persistence paid off. Gradually, my panic attacks became less intense and shorter in duration. This process of repetitively calming myself demonstrated the power of cognitive behavioral techniques in retraining my brain.
2. Redirecting My Focus:
To cope with severe attacks, I found that distraction could be incredibly effective. I turned to humor and nostalgia for relief, watching old comedy shows like "The Dick Van Dyke Show" and "I Love Lucy," or amusing YouTube clips from "Just For Laughs." This strategy wasn’t about ignoring my feelings but providing a momentary respite that helped reset my emotional state.
3. Spiritual and Emotional Reflections: Integrating Faith in My Recovery
One crucial realization was that many of my anxieties stemmed from factors beyond my control. Whether it was my health, my disability, or the future, I learned to surrender these worries to God. Each night, especially when panic tried to disrupt my sleep, I would turn to prayer and Scripture, specifically Matthew 6:25-34, which reassures us of God’s care and sovereignty. In these moments of fear, I would talk to Jesus, telling Him of my fears and asking for comfort and trust. More often than not, I found solace and sleep during these conversations.
As more of life has unfolded, and as I am aging in this disabled body, fears and anxiety still let me know they are always lurking nearby - especially on nights I am in such intense pain and feel so helpless and alone. Still, to this day, casting all my emotions onto Jesus and asking Him to just hold me is my greatest consolation and comfort.
Conclusion: Encouragement and Open Invitation
I am sharing my journey not only to highlight my personal challenges and victories over anxiety, but also to extend a hand to those who might be suffering in silence. Managing anxiety is a deeply personal journey, but no one has to walk it alone. If this story resonates with you and you're seeking support or someone to pray with, please do not hesitate to reach out.
I share my story not just as a testament to my struggles, but to offer hope and support to others who might be facing similar battles. If my experiences can help even one person, then sharing them is worth it. If you're struggling and need someone to pray with, please reach out—I'm here.
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